Grumpiest old man...

...you must die!

We've all heard misery loves company.  But company definitely doesn't love misery.  Some days I feel like I'm company and a certain coworker is misery.  The only problem with the whole thing is that I often get dragged down to misery's level and become miserable myself.  I hate it.  Often I start talking to someone and by the time I'm done I wonder if I sounded like a whiny little girl or a grumpy old man. 

I'm pretty sure that I usually sound like an awful chimera of both. 

How does this happen? I drive into work, usually after spending about ten minutes hanging with my wife and daughter in silence as my brain warms up to the fact that it is awake. Then while it finishes its boot up cycle I'm half way to work and the last ten minutes I either focus on the good parts of life or get angry at people who drive 30mph (in the left lane, no less) when the speed limit is 65mph, but that anger fades quickly.  And I get to work with a pretty good attitude regardless.

Then I sit at my desk and eat some yogurt as I plan for my day and check the ol' email.  Then into the lab I head.  Ten minutes later I'm ready to throttle the old guy who doesn't have anything nice to say about anything or anyone.  He seems angry and bitter about everything.  His pay, all politicians, coworkers, construction workers, greeters at walmart, ants marching across his desk, and that guy that use to work with him 20 years ago!  Blegh. 

His attitude is corrosive.  I just stick in my head phones and find something semi-positive to listen to, yet he comes in and waits for me to stop to take my earbuds out to listen to his latest complaint.  Aaarrrgghhhh!!!! 

I had to text my wife today for prayer so that I didn't stab him with my lefthanded scissors that he keeps buying me (I write left-handed, but after a lifetime of dealing with right-handed scissors, I'm a righty in my cutting habits).  I had another coworker that told me he would help me dispose of the body. 

I find myself thinking up devious ways to get back at him.

Then while trying to divert my thoughts from revenge today, I was reminded of a movie.  Grumpy old men (go watch it if you haven't already).  And I realized that is my life.  We aren't competing for the love of a woman. I'm competing for my sanity.  I think up ways to make him suffer (I haven't thrown dead fish into his car yet) and luckily he hasn't retaliated, or realized that I do anything to make his worker life harder, otherwise things would escalate like they do in the movie. 

I actually haven't done a lot, I did pour a few granules of sugar on his desk to draw the ants away from mine, but at the time I was mad because he placed a full open bag on my desk, which really drew them towards my desk.  That doesn't really justify anything, I'm just saying I'm turning into a grumpier old man and soon I'll be worse than him.  I don't want that. 

I want joy and peace in my life.  To do that I need to kill the grumpy old man in me.   Its hard.  It'll take a lot of work.  I'm going to have to humble myself.  I might have to crank up the tunes in my earbuds or go deaf to block out some of the whining (doesn't Jesus say something about shoving pencils through your eardrums because its better to lose one, or two, parts of your body than to have it all thrown into hell?  not a literal translation, but I do think it might work in this situation).  Or I could just take Monday, Wednesday and Fridays off and never have to deal with him.

 The last two might be unrealistic, so I guess I'll have to do some internal work on me. 

Feel free to pray...

Play in the mud...

...or dine on pizza?

Yep, as a kid I don't think it ever crossed my mind that I may have to decide between those two activities rather than just shirking all responsibilities and enjoying both delights.  But alas, I'm a grown up now with responsibilities. 

Its gorgeous out, at least it was the last time I went outside, and with the warm weather and recent precipitation, I'm betting I can easily dig a couple holes in my backyard and try to finish up a project that I started last fall. 

Yet, I have to work tonight. And last week, one of the guys challenged us to get the truck unloaded and shelves stocked by 12:30 and we did.  Now he has to buy us pizza tonight.

So I could go home and work on a project or I could just work and make some dough while eating some cheese and meat covered dough (please note that I'm speaking of two different kinds of dough here). 

See children, life as a grown up isn't all fun and games! Of course if I had planned better I could've gotten out of here earlier, gone home worked in the yard, showered and then been in to eat pizza and unload a truck....sigh...

See children, if you learn plan ahead life can be all fun and games!

***Update***  After venturing outside at lunch I have determined that its getting cold and windy and decided playing in the mud this afternoon wouldn't have been fun after all.  Which makes this entire post somewhat pointless.  Oh well.

Of Pencil Lead and Phonebooks...

...some days I'm glad I don't work full time in IT.

Today I was trying to get a copy of some paperwork, for tax reasons, so I had to run across the parking lot several times to reach the fax machine each time the lady, in a remote part of the country, tried to send it to me.  It didn't happen the first couple times and then she finally got it to work, only she sent it through wrong and I only got two blank pages.  I'm not complaining because it gave me some quality time, away from the desk, with fresh air (even though the air was thick with smoke from all the people running their chimney's last night, I assume). 

During one of my trips I ran into a coworker who I hadn't seen in awhile.  He stopped me and asked me how to transfer a file from one machine to another.  I told him the easiest way was probably with a thumb drive.  His native language isn't english so he tried explaining his dilemma to me despite the fat I had just shared my wisdom, a moment before, on how to remedy his problem.  Finally he asked if he could use the 'chip' that he had.  I got clarification that the 'chip' was a thumbdrive and said yes.  He ran down the hall to his office to grab the 'chip' while I chatted with another coworker.

Moments later he returns and hands me a long slender piece of plastic.  I tell him that the object he just gave me is a container of pencil lead and not a thumbdrive.  He looked at me curiously.  I popped the cap off and poured the lead into my hand and said it goes in a pencil.  He smiled and laughed and went back looking for his 'chip', which he never found. 

It reminded me of a similar incident a couple years before when I was in Laramie.  I was needing a thumbdrive to transfer some files and I stopped by one coworker's office and asked he had one.  He looked me in the eye and said, "Yes, hold on a sec."  He turned to his desk and picked up a phonebook.  I assumed the thumbdrive was buried on his desk, but no, he handed me the phonebook. 

I said, "No, not a phone book, a thumbdrive!" 

He then replied, "Sorry, I don't have one of those."  He took his phonebook back and turned around.  As I was leaving, he turned back and asked, "What the hell is a thumbdrive?" 

Maybe I should just carry a couple of them on me at work at all times.  It might make things simpler, plus I could scan documents and put them on there so I don't accidentally throw important tax documents away and spend the afternoon trying to receive them back...

Ants aren't marching on...

I was sitting at my desk yesterday, thinking how great it was that the ants have been in fewer numbers lately.  Then I spied out of the corner of my eye about three of them hanging around the handset of my office phone.  I had seen them crawling around it in the past and they've left little treats in the receiver cradle.  I picked up the handset and shook it.  A single ant came out of the hole where the wire connects to the handset, plus I heard some stuff rattling around.

Dead ants and pupae, the black mass on
the paper includes more smashed ants

I pulled the cable out and shook it again and soon ants were pouring out of the hole (it reminded me of the movie, Joe's Apartment, where cockroaches come pouring out of every hole in the apartment).  I kept shaking it so that they would fall of onto my desk so I could smash them, rather than have them try to and bite me.  After smashing about fifty ants, I went to get the guy in the office next door to me since he said he smelled formic acid whenever he used his phone and mentioned finding treats in his handset cradle as well.   After seeing my plight he went to his office and did the same.  Only he took his handset outside.

A small sampling of the ants freed
from our phones outside

I realized that his maneuver was more intelligent and decided to do the same.  Pretty soon we had over three hundred ants crawling around on the stairs outside our office, just from our two phone handsets. It was pure pandemonium.

After about an hour of shaking our handsets we got to the point where no more ants were coming out.  I asked my office mate if he wanted to check his phone.  He shook it and I could hear things rattling in there, but he simply responded, "No ants." And then he went home for the day.

I grabbed his phone and shook it after he left.  Large bits of debris fell out.  I shook it again and about fifteen ants came pouring out.  I quit shaking it and put it back down, thinking that my curiosity had been satisfied and I didn't want to clean up any more ants.

After that I hooked up the vacuum cleaner to my handset and sucked out five more and a couple pupae.  Then I cleaned my desk with some harsh chemicals to clear out any seeking pheromones they might've left around.  Then I shook it again and got nothing.  Feeling satisfied I plugged it back in and taped over the hole.

Five minutes later I had an ant crawling across my desk.  It was a crazy day at work, with a very unproductive afternoon, unless you count killing a hundred ants as productive.  I hope tomorrow is less eventful, and with fewer ants...

The bodies continue to pile up....

...at work.  I speaking of ant bodies of course and I'm trying to decide what the best deterrent for them would be.  So I've decided to list the ideas I've come up with and let you my readers pick the best option or options.

• Spikes:  In ancient times conquers would place the head of someone on the end of a spike to deter other people from doing whatever they had done.  I'm sure I can find some tooth picks or pinning needles to place the ant heads on, but then I'll probably have to stick the other end into a marshmallow to hold it up, which will just lure more in.  
• Carbon Dioxide: When we want to incapacitate the flies in the lab, we gas them down with carbon dioxide and it knocks them out.  If you submerge them in the gas for too long then they die.  It should work the same on the ants, the only downside to this method would be that my office would no longer be functional to my coworkers or I, unless we wanted extended naps.
• Toys:  Whether demonic dolls, or bored army men, everyone knows that as soon as the lights go out, the toys come to life.  And I'll just have to provide incentives for them to attack the ants and not innocent strangers trying to find sanctuary from the rain.
• Anteater: The zoo here has one or two, maybe I can borrow them for a couple days until the problem is resolved.  But the major downside to this would be cleaning up the poo left behind.  The janitor at work hasn't been by in a few months and I'm not sure I could handle the stink in the trash can.
• Anti-Ant signs:  This is the politest method.  I'll just put up some signs telling the ants they aren't allowed.  The problem?  I'll have to teach the ants how to read.
• Fire: I remember growing up and my dad taking a blowtorch to the ant hills in the yard.  It seemed effective and fun.  Of course I don't want to get arrested for arson.
• Negotiator:  Maybe I could hire Samuel L. Jackson to convince the ants to not attack.  I'm not sure I can afford a negotiator like that on my meager income.
• Rock'n'Roll:  I've heard that all that noise the kids are listening to these days will rot your brains!  Maybe I could just blast it and see what happens to the ants.   There are two perilous side effects to this one though.  The first being that one of my coworkers will probably turn his jazz up louder, and the second would be that the ants' brains might fry and they would turn into zombie ants.  No one would be happy with zombie ants or loud jazz.
• Convert them:  Maybe with a little Jesus in their lives, then maybe they would turn from their stealing ways.  Of course they might try to abuse the grace given them and just steal even more and then how will I do my yeast experiments?  
• Continue to drop various office implements on them:  I have been find different things on my desk to drop on them after growing bored with just squishing them with my finger.  I've used post-it pads, nalgene bottle, keyboard, pens.  The only problem with this method is that the carcasses are starting to pile up on the floor, and since I don't know when the custodian will be back to vacuum the carpet, it might get kinda gross in there rather quickly.  

There you go, those are the options I've come up with, can you think of something better or would you stick with one of my ideas?

Of Ants and toilets...

Work is crazy, and it seems to get crazier on friday's, especially when its a long weekend.

Recently, my office has been under attack by an invading army of ants.  Today they sent their largest wave of troops, but I easily squashed the 8 intruders under my index finger.  I'm sure they are just marching towards the big bag of sugar that a coworker happily stuck on my desk.  Some days I feel like putting a piece of tape on the floor around my desk and putting up a note to tell everyone to quit putting things on my desk!  I swear some people can't have a clean surface without putting something on it and it drives me nuts!  

I've been taking off early from work a lot the last week for doctor's appointments, being sick, needing a little off time and whatever else.  Each time I do that I have to ask my supervisor for permission, which he doesn't really care about, but at one point I email him and asked if it was okay if I worked a full eight hours.  He called me minutes later and asked me, "don't you normally work 8 hours."  I laughed and decided my joke wasn't so funny if I had to explain it too him. But once I explained it, he actually did laugh.

Then after training a guy to be my back up for the summer and finishing up my other duties I was checking email and my other coworker walked into the bathroom.  There is a direct line of view from my desk to the throne and after walking into the bathroom he started looking at the floor and walking funny.  At first I thought he had spotted more ant, keen on taking the throne from us and some of glorious power.  But no, there was water all over the floor.  The toilet's float thingy had malfunctioned and the overflow in the upper tank was too tall, so water was pouring out of the hole where the handle protrudes from.  

He started going nuts.  Grabbed a mop and started fiddling with things, and I think he made it worse.  It reminded me of the first time the toilet got stopped up on DaNae after we got married.  She freaked out and started wiggling the handle and doing something in the upper tank while screaming for my help.  I was asleep in bed and got up long enough to turn off the water to the toilet and then went back to bed, my husbandly duties done for the morning.  

Well, I wasn't asleep, but I hate doing things with toilets, especially public ones.  The valve on this one was funny and I didn't know how to turn off the water, so I just rigged the float on the toilet to shut off the water flow and told him to not use it until maintenance could fix it.  Well maintenance sent a student over to fix it and he just stared at it and said it seemed to work fine.  That wasn't good enough to me.  If the float malfunctioned once it would do it again.  I finally convinced him to talk to his supervisor who swore he would buy us a new tank rig.  

With ants slaughtered, and a promised fix for the toilet, and my eight hours of work completed, I went home and eagerly await the arrival of my sister and her family...I'm looking forward to the weekend despite having to work it.