Roller Derby DaNae....

I love my wife.  I think she is amazing.

It is Wednesday and I could make a list of all the amazing things she does that makes her so amazing, but I won't.  Today I'm going to write the list of reasons I think my wife should start a roller-derby league here in the Manhattan, KS area (I'm assuming from a brief web search that there isn't one).

1. Planning:  My wife loves to plan and organize things.  I don't get it, it drives me nuts sometimes.  I'm not into planning, I'd rather just go do something.  I think putting together a roller-derby league would give her the planning fix she so often needs due to my non-committal tendencies when it comes to plans.
2. Toughing up:  the first year of our marriage, DaNae cried about once every four days.  The second year was down to about once every three weeks and year three was less than once a month.  Almost all of those cries have been because of her husband, me. And during year four I can only remember two times that I made her cry.  So marriage has already toughened her up some, but I think she could still be less of a wuss in some matters (like when coming into contact with spiders) and roller-derbying would do that for her.
3. Exercise:  DaNae hates her body despite the fact that I love it.  She always proclaims 'how bad she's been'  or how 'she needs to get back on the ball' and sometimes she replaces the ball with a wagon.  I don't get it.  But what I do get is that whatever she tries eventually gets put aside and some gleaming new thing catches her eye like some new contraption that'll dissolve that fat away like it was butter, or some new exercise routine that some person tries to instruct you on via DVD.  I think her problem is boredom.  I'd get bored (and frustrated) if I tried to follow along with some ripped person dancing around on the television.  I think getting into the ring with a bunch of ladies and going round and round, while trying not to get bumped off or clothes lined would fill that exercise need and prevent that deadly onslaught of boredom which so often knocks her off whatever track or ball or wagon she might be on.
4. Aggression: She says she isn't aggressive enough to play a sport like this.  I think its a lie. I don't know anyone who isn't aggressive in some way.  We all are, and I think if she had the chance to throw an elbow into someone else's face than she would be happier on a whole than she is now.  Maybe it would give her the confidence to chase after what she really wants.
5. Sex appeal:  I'll be honest, I think she would look hot throwing elbows and bumping other ladies off the track while moving around on eight wheels.  
6. Role model:  I think it would be a great influence on our daughter for her to see her mom active and out of the house while possibly knocking some other ladies teeth out and showing good sportsmanship.  

These are the six reasons that popped into my head over the last hour...do you have a good reason that might encourage my wife to trade in her shoes for new ones that have wheels attached?

Odin vs. Jesus...

I saw this and had these thoughts....

1. I'm pretty sure that looks more like Thor than Odin.
2. I'm glad I'm not an Ice Giant.
3. I'm can't remember Jesus specifically promising the end of all wicked people.
4. Even if he did, I'm ecstatic that he is patient and wants none to perish...2 Peter 3:9

MacGyver vs. The Ants

After finding a source of my ant problems, I went home to relax and watched a little MacGyver.  And guess what he was up against...wait for it...Ants!  Yeah, its been a common theme in these parts lately.  An invasion on my home and work life, at least I don't have ant problems at home (if I was superstitious this is where I would do the proverbial knocking on wood).

  So I thought I recount the ways MacGyver's methods were worse than mine (spoiler alert: it's episode 6 of season 1 if you wanna watch it quickly before reading the rest of this post, if you have netflix, its streaming on there).

• None of my friends died by being eaten by them...yet:  MacGyver actually allowed a couple people to die before he was able to save the day.  Their deaths were meaningless!  I was able to find the source of the problem and massacre more of them, and only one of them were able to bite my coworker, but he was making me cranky so I didn't care much.
• I didn't have to build a mote...yet: MacGyver had the brilliant idea to have a mote of water to prevent the ants from gaining access to the complex he was trying to save.  The water was too shallow and the ants formed boats out leaves, and caused the last of the deaths in the episode.  If I built a mote around my desk would just breed other insect pests which would probably be more vicious in the biting department.  
• Nothing had to be lit on fire...yet:  MacGyver lit something on fire like he tends to do in almost every episode.  This time there was a large piles of branches and stuff around the fortress and ol' Mac used a flame thrower to set it a flame.  This still didn't stop the ants, maybe because they were called fire ants. Who would fight fire with fire?  If I lit my desk on fire, I think I would wind up in a federal prison for arson and destroying government property.  Then I would probably be bunking with some other large man with the name of Mac or Buddy or something like that.  
• I didn't have to release the flood gates...yet:  Mac was finally able wash them all away by flooding the area and killing the crops, but the man he was working with was very grateful.  I merely emptied my handset of the vile creatures and taped up the hole.  Hopefully they don't come back in larger numbers tomorrow or else I might have to find out where the flood gates are located nearby.  

All in all, watching MacGyver is not helpful in everyday life.  Sure, I think I know how to make fertilizer bombs now, but that can only be useful like once or twice in a man's lifetime.  Anyways, I think the best method of attack on the ravaging creatures is to bait and divert.  Now that my phone is off limits to the ants, I'm hoping the flow all towards my coworkers desk and phone. Hopefully they don't try to devour him though....

Me...

...or about me, to be more correct!

I'm sure we all have those little idiosynchroncities that set us apart from other people.  I'm not sure if mine are that much different than anyone else, so I thought I'd list a few and let me know how normal or abnormal I am.

• I don't eat things with bones.  Maybe I should clarify that.  I don't eat things with the bone still in them.  Like a chicken leg, nasty! If the meat is off the bone, fantastic!  I don't know why, many people have asked me and I have no reasonable answer.  But I'm sure they all have something they do for no particular reason.
• Spiders, I hate them!  Yes, I study and raise insects for a living, but spiders aren't insects.  Insects have six legs, spiders have eight.  It just seems unnatural.  And they creep me out like nothing else!
• I read the last sentence in a book before I read the rest of it.  I normally hate spoilers, but I've never read a book that gave away any of the plot in the last sentence.
• Just the opposite of that, when reading a newspaper or magazine, I read the the first sentence and then start with the last paragraph. If I want more information after that I go up to the next paragraph and so on and so forth until I've gained all the information I wanted, or I grow bored and move on to the next article.  I think if they put the pertinent stuff at the beginning it would save me from having to do this.
• I no longer watch movie trailers for movies I want to see. I do this mostly because movie trailers give away all those 'wow' moments that makes watching a movie interesting.  Sometimes if I'm on the fence about whether or not to watch a movie, I'll watch the trailer, but once I decide I'm interested then I stop it or look away and plug my ears.  My wife smiles at me when I do this in the theater like I'm the big dork on the planet.
• Pick up things with my toes.  I thought everyone could do this, but then I got married and my wife informed that it wasn't a normal thing.
• Love dairy queen ice cream, but hate their spoons.  I think I have the same problem with sonic, even though I don't like their ice cream as much.  But the spoons have this ridge along the edge of them that tends to slice at my mouth as I take the ice cream off.  I think Wendy's has the best plasticware out there for such things. 
• I also enjoy the tranquility that comes from having desks, counter tops, etc, that are clean. And when I say clean, I mean don't have anything on them.  I have a portion of my desk that has absolutely nothing on it, except for my mouse.  A couple weeks ago, my coworker placed a bag of sugar there.  I moved it, he moved it back and placed a can of inactive yeast next to it.  I moved them both and then they were both put there with another bag of sugar.  This is probably part of the reason the ants kept marching in.  I moved them all to another building yesterday and today I come in to find a stack of newspapers in their place.  ARGH!

That last one felt like I was complaining more than anything so I think I'm done.  Is there anything you noticed about me that is less than normal, or are any of the things common to you too?

***Update*** Seriously, one hour after cleaning the newspapers off my desk and also cleaning another part of my desk, my officemate placed more stuff on my desk while I sat there!  Maybe he thinks my desk is feeling lonely and needs to fulfill its purpose in holding things.  I don't feel so bad about sprinkling a few granules of sugar on his desk now.  Not sure if I should've confessed that.  But I haven't had an ant on my desk all day. I'm not usually like that....

Holidays...

With Memorial day quickly approaching, I thought I'd list (since its list Wednesday here at the 'whatever' blog) my top five holidays...(these are in no particular order, but I saved my favorite for last).

• Halloween:  So kids dress up, as do other people and come to your door asking for candy.  It seems like anymore that the only people who are approaching my front door are salesmen (whether they are boy or girl scouts, window replacement, or people trying to sell me on their religion).  But this day, kids just come by hoping to get a treat!  I like giving out treats and as long as the bowl doesn't go empty twice like last year, its all good!
• Fourth of July:  Things get blown up, and someone is always grilling brats!  Nuf said...
• Memorial Day:  At my work, I get like four holidays all in a row, from late December til mid February and then nothing until Memorial day.  Its kind of like binging on doughnuts and then fasting.  Not fun.  Even though I have to work this Memorial day, I do get paid twice as much that day and I was able to take last Monday off.
• My Birthday:  I like it mostly because the focus is on me.  I can admit that I'm a little self centered like that. And of course I get stuff on this day usually.
• Thanksgiving:  This is hands down my most favorite holiday in all existence!  Seriously, its got all the flavor of Christmas without all the stress of finding the perfect gift for everyone or worrying about who to send Christmas cards to.  Turkey, stuffing, friends and family.  Food and fellowship.  Those are two of my favorite things and having a holiday that combines them makes it the best ever! 

So what is your most favorite holiday?

Phone confessions...

New Wednesday, New List...and you better like it!  Okay, if you don't like it I won't hate you.  But I do want you to know that this is coming to you via a muddled brain with a migraine, so results may vary.

Today's list is something near and dear to my heart.  I hate talking on the phone.  Here are the reasons why I hate it:

• Lip reading:  I can't really lip read, but often times I have a hard time understanding what people say and seeing their lips flap helps a ton.  Even seeing the look on their face can help me understand what they are saying. 
• Jokes:  I can say something in person to a...um...person and it will come off as totally funny, but then I say the same thing to a person on the phone and all they think is, "that guy is kind of a jerk."  And this can all happen vice versa.  This kind of ties in with the last point, but you don't get the view of facial ticks and cues to let you know that the person is trying to be funny, so you can know whether to laugh politely or run.
• Bathroom talking:  There you are talking to a person for like 30 minutes and then you hear water running.  Yep they had been sitting on the toilet, that most private of times, talking to you.  Now I know I do this to God a lot, but he designed the whole system so I don't think he is as disgusted by it as I am.
• Mumbling:  It seems like half the people I know mumble on the phone, or let their voice trail off so I have no idea what they were saying.  'Argh' is all I can say to that.  Of course they do this in person too, but it kind of goes back to the first point in that regard.
• Distractions:  This seems to be the worse for my wife for some reason.  We talk on the phone and I miss half of what she says because I am focused on work, or the TV or the computer or watching some old guy stroll down the street with those poles you use when you ski.  And I hate to ask people to repeat themselves when I missed what they say.  I just wind up nodding in agreement, even though they can't see it and then tell them I'll talk to them later.
• Not having anything to say or knowing what to say:  There you are sitting with the phone in your hand and neither person has anything to say.  Its awkward.  If you were sitting next to each other you could both gawk at the guy with the poles and not need to say a word, but since you are on the phone, burning through the minutes you have an abundance of, its just weird, and uncomfortable.  And you never know if the other person is wanting to get off the phone or wants to talk more.  It would help if I were a better conversationalist, but that's probably not going to change anytime soon.
• One Question, Thirty Minutes:  Texting has solved this one, until you need to ask a person who doesn't have texting.  I repeat, ARGH!  You just want to know if its suppose to be 1 teaspoon or 1 tablespoon, or red or orange, or paper or plastic, and then its 'how's your day going?'  'how's Charleigh?'  'do you think she'll be scarred from having a boy's name?' 'Is it 'lie' or 'y'?'  Actually its leigh, and she'll be all the tougher for it, GOOD BYE!  Okay, even though I'm a poor conversationalist, I would never respond that way, I'm too big of a softeigh!
• Never knowing when to say goodbye:  This falls into that always awkward stage.  For family its easy, cause you just say 'I love you' or 'Love ya!' and wait for the reply before saying bye and hanging up.  I can't really do that with my boss....actually I probably could, but it might make things awkward next time we saw each other.  But you call, you ask your one question after catching up on life, kids and career, and then you both sit there in that uncomfortable silence trying to figure out if you should initiate the good bye and try to not make the person feel like you didn't enjoy chatting with them. 
• Time:  You never know what the other person is in the middle of when you call someone.  I hate interrupting people, so you call and have to ask, is this a good time, or are you busy.   Text's and emails bypass this and allow you to ask your one question without taking up a half an hour of the other person's time, unless they are a super slow texter (I know a couple of these).

I don't call people.  Actually, I do call occasionally, but I suck at it and I hate talking on the phone which you've hopefully gathered from reading the rest of this post.  I have lost a couple friends over the fact that I never call, but I wonder if it is a genetic thing, my family isn't big on calling.  Our calls to each other are often infrequent and tend to only occur around birthdays and big events (I think my wife talks to her family multiple times a week, which feels odd to me).  My sister told me once not to feel bad about not calling cause she hasn't called me either.  So that has become my philosophy.  If you feel bad because I don't call you, just call me, the phone works both ways!  I will talk with you because I do enjoy speaking with friends even if the medium we use to do so is less than perfect!

Reasons...

...for not making a list on Wednesday.  Yes, I told you I would bring you a list every Wednesday, and I failed to do so yesterday, so here is a list on Thursday for all the reasons I didn't give you a list one Wednesday...

1. Charleigh pooped.  Yes my daughter pooped several times, though each time I went to change her diaper she was only wet.  It was like russian roulette, with my wife losing multiple times, with the stress of it all getting me.
2. It was hot.  I don't know if its dropped below 75 degrees at night and the days have been quite warm and my fingers and skin felt sticky.
3. I had a headache.  Okay, I didn't really have a headache, but that seems to be the go to excuse for not doing something.  I can't take out the trash cuz I have a headache, I can't mow the lawn cuz I have a headache, I can't put on pants because I have a headache.  Its the default excuse for any situation. 
4. I was watching the grass grow.  Seriously, I planted grass in the back yard with the help of a friend and my father-in-law and I check it multiple times a day!
5. I had a meeting go long.  I'm surprised that congress doesn't outlaw meetings for federal workers.  They are the biggest productivity sinks in the world.  The first half hour was good, but then the next hour dragged on with a couple people going around and around without stopping to decypher that they weren't talking about the same thing!  I almost wrote a list on the different kinds of meeting attendees...maybe next week!
6. Pizza induced food coma.  One of the guys brought pizza and then twisted my arm so I would have to eat it after I had already eaten my lunch.  Snoresville I went!
7. I seemed to be running behind all day.  Ever woken up and thought, this is going to be a great day, only to realize that you had overslept.  Well I hadn't overslept, but I tried to, and it didn't work.  So then once I got to work it seemed like I got interrupted constantly, and I'm talking above and beyond just the meeting and pizza eating. 
8. Aliens?  Why not blame them, they are probably probing my brain now.
9. Striaght up apathy.  It ruins the best of my intentions. 

There you go, my belated wednesday list.  Maybe next week I'll do it a day early so it'll all balance out.  Now get back to work, or facebook, or cooking, or mowing or complaining about your headache!