Whatever happened to Bill...

It's been a big month for us.  Over three and a half weeks, starting July 3rd, we traveled over 5200 miles (not including a weekend spent in northern colorado, where we drove another vehicle which prevented us from tracking the trip).  Seventeen of those nights were spent in twelve different hotel rooms.   Two family reunions were visited, and I lost track of the number of state and national parks we drove through.  Over 400 minutes were racked up on our cell phone bill because of DaNae contacting people to try and find trap sites (yes, I think she worked harder on this trip as a volunteer than I did as a paid employee, but she wasn't allowed to drive, and it was easier for me to set up the traps without her or Charleigh around.  We made ten different contacts on the road and then my wife made about a dozen more over the phone of people who would send us mosquitoes from their areas.  We ate fast food for over 45 meals (and I only gained about 2 pounds, which is a little worrisome).  Had to call a tow truck twice (in the same night) and no one was injured.

Before the trip began, my wife would call or text multiple times a day to see what the plan was for the trip.  I said I had no idea.  I knew that my boss wanted us to hit five states, but I thought he was finding contacts in those states.  I found out I was wrong a couple days before we left.  No biggy, I've done small trips like this.  You just go and find someone who'll let you trap on their land.  Once we left my family reunion in Gillette, I just told DaNae to start searching the internet for people who might have good places for us to trap.  By the time we were done with western Montana, she was a pro.  She found a person in eastern Washington who promised us stuff so we wouldn't have to go there, and by the time we hit Wyoming, she had found contacts for North and South Dakota, so we wouldn't have to trap there either.  I think she saved the government several thousand dollars right there.

Then we went to Wellington, CO for her family reunion and from there I headed to Casper while she headed home.  The truck broke down in York, NE and I had some issues when the road side assistance people asked me where I wanted the truck towed.  I asked who they recommend and  the lady said she was in Texas so she couldn't help out with suggestions.  I was miffed and wondered what good roadside assistance was if they couldn't help.  She then did an internet search for garages and found three for me.  All three were in Pennsylvania which wasn't helpful in Nebraska.  Long story short, I finally made it to a hotel at 10:30 that night, with the thought that I'd be stuck there car-less for a couple days. The truck was fixed the next morning and I was on my way home again without incident.

I think the hardest part of the trip was coming home.  I think I could've stayed on the road for another month without any worries, other than trying to convince someone to mow the lawn a couple more times for free.  And coming home to find a bill from the government for $700 didn't help matters any.  It actually felt like a big slap in the face after relocating my family to Kansas and then all the work my wife did on this trip for free.

SO in summary, great trip, happy feelings. Get home and bitterness and worry try to overtake.  Maybe we should just live on the road! ok, not really.

Roller Derby DaNae part 2...

She still isn't convinced, so I paid rather large sum of money to an unnamed man to do an artist's rendition of how awesome and happy she would be skating!

I might have to get a refund or a redo...

Roller Derby DaNae....

I love my wife.  I think she is amazing.

It is Wednesday and I could make a list of all the amazing things she does that makes her so amazing, but I won't.  Today I'm going to write the list of reasons I think my wife should start a roller-derby league here in the Manhattan, KS area (I'm assuming from a brief web search that there isn't one).

1. Planning:  My wife loves to plan and organize things.  I don't get it, it drives me nuts sometimes.  I'm not into planning, I'd rather just go do something.  I think putting together a roller-derby league would give her the planning fix she so often needs due to my non-committal tendencies when it comes to plans.
2. Toughing up:  the first year of our marriage, DaNae cried about once every four days.  The second year was down to about once every three weeks and year three was less than once a month.  Almost all of those cries have been because of her husband, me. And during year four I can only remember two times that I made her cry.  So marriage has already toughened her up some, but I think she could still be less of a wuss in some matters (like when coming into contact with spiders) and roller-derbying would do that for her.
3. Exercise:  DaNae hates her body despite the fact that I love it.  She always proclaims 'how bad she's been'  or how 'she needs to get back on the ball' and sometimes she replaces the ball with a wagon.  I don't get it.  But what I do get is that whatever she tries eventually gets put aside and some gleaming new thing catches her eye like some new contraption that'll dissolve that fat away like it was butter, or some new exercise routine that some person tries to instruct you on via DVD.  I think her problem is boredom.  I'd get bored (and frustrated) if I tried to follow along with some ripped person dancing around on the television.  I think getting into the ring with a bunch of ladies and going round and round, while trying not to get bumped off or clothes lined would fill that exercise need and prevent that deadly onslaught of boredom which so often knocks her off whatever track or ball or wagon she might be on.
4. Aggression: She says she isn't aggressive enough to play a sport like this.  I think its a lie. I don't know anyone who isn't aggressive in some way.  We all are, and I think if she had the chance to throw an elbow into someone else's face than she would be happier on a whole than she is now.  Maybe it would give her the confidence to chase after what she really wants.
5. Sex appeal:  I'll be honest, I think she would look hot throwing elbows and bumping other ladies off the track while moving around on eight wheels.  
6. Role model:  I think it would be a great influence on our daughter for her to see her mom active and out of the house while possibly knocking some other ladies teeth out and showing good sportsmanship.  

These are the six reasons that popped into my head over the last hour...do you have a good reason that might encourage my wife to trade in her shoes for new ones that have wheels attached?

Odin vs. Jesus...

I saw this and had these thoughts....

1. I'm pretty sure that looks more like Thor than Odin.
2. I'm glad I'm not an Ice Giant.
3. I'm can't remember Jesus specifically promising the end of all wicked people.
4. Even if he did, I'm ecstatic that he is patient and wants none to perish...2 Peter 3:9

MacGyver vs. The Ants

After finding a source of my ant problems, I went home to relax and watched a little MacGyver.  And guess what he was up against...wait for it...Ants!  Yeah, its been a common theme in these parts lately.  An invasion on my home and work life, at least I don't have ant problems at home (if I was superstitious this is where I would do the proverbial knocking on wood).

  So I thought I recount the ways MacGyver's methods were worse than mine (spoiler alert: it's episode 6 of season 1 if you wanna watch it quickly before reading the rest of this post, if you have netflix, its streaming on there).

• None of my friends died by being eaten by them...yet:  MacGyver actually allowed a couple people to die before he was able to save the day.  Their deaths were meaningless!  I was able to find the source of the problem and massacre more of them, and only one of them were able to bite my coworker, but he was making me cranky so I didn't care much.
• I didn't have to build a mote...yet: MacGyver had the brilliant idea to have a mote of water to prevent the ants from gaining access to the complex he was trying to save.  The water was too shallow and the ants formed boats out leaves, and caused the last of the deaths in the episode.  If I built a mote around my desk would just breed other insect pests which would probably be more vicious in the biting department.  
• Nothing had to be lit on fire...yet:  MacGyver lit something on fire like he tends to do in almost every episode.  This time there was a large piles of branches and stuff around the fortress and ol' Mac used a flame thrower to set it a flame.  This still didn't stop the ants, maybe because they were called fire ants. Who would fight fire with fire?  If I lit my desk on fire, I think I would wind up in a federal prison for arson and destroying government property.  Then I would probably be bunking with some other large man with the name of Mac or Buddy or something like that.  
• I didn't have to release the flood gates...yet:  Mac was finally able wash them all away by flooding the area and killing the crops, but the man he was working with was very grateful.  I merely emptied my handset of the vile creatures and taped up the hole.  Hopefully they don't come back in larger numbers tomorrow or else I might have to find out where the flood gates are located nearby.  

All in all, watching MacGyver is not helpful in everyday life.  Sure, I think I know how to make fertilizer bombs now, but that can only be useful like once or twice in a man's lifetime.  Anyways, I think the best method of attack on the ravaging creatures is to bait and divert.  Now that my phone is off limits to the ants, I'm hoping the flow all towards my coworkers desk and phone. Hopefully they don't try to devour him though....

Ants aren't marching on...

I was sitting at my desk yesterday, thinking how great it was that the ants have been in fewer numbers lately.  Then I spied out of the corner of my eye about three of them hanging around the handset of my office phone.  I had seen them crawling around it in the past and they've left little treats in the receiver cradle.  I picked up the handset and shook it.  A single ant came out of the hole where the wire connects to the handset, plus I heard some stuff rattling around.

Dead ants and pupae, the black mass on
the paper includes more smashed ants

I pulled the cable out and shook it again and soon ants were pouring out of the hole (it reminded me of the movie, Joe's Apartment, where cockroaches come pouring out of every hole in the apartment).  I kept shaking it so that they would fall of onto my desk so I could smash them, rather than have them try to and bite me.  After smashing about fifty ants, I went to get the guy in the office next door to me since he said he smelled formic acid whenever he used his phone and mentioned finding treats in his handset cradle as well.   After seeing my plight he went to his office and did the same.  Only he took his handset outside.

A small sampling of the ants freed
from our phones outside

I realized that his maneuver was more intelligent and decided to do the same.  Pretty soon we had over three hundred ants crawling around on the stairs outside our office, just from our two phone handsets. It was pure pandemonium.

After about an hour of shaking our handsets we got to the point where no more ants were coming out.  I asked my office mate if he wanted to check his phone.  He shook it and I could hear things rattling in there, but he simply responded, "No ants." And then he went home for the day.

I grabbed his phone and shook it after he left.  Large bits of debris fell out.  I shook it again and about fifteen ants came pouring out.  I quit shaking it and put it back down, thinking that my curiosity had been satisfied and I didn't want to clean up any more ants.

After that I hooked up the vacuum cleaner to my handset and sucked out five more and a couple pupae.  Then I cleaned my desk with some harsh chemicals to clear out any seeking pheromones they might've left around.  Then I shook it again and got nothing.  Feeling satisfied I plugged it back in and taped over the hole.

Five minutes later I had an ant crawling across my desk.  It was a crazy day at work, with a very unproductive afternoon, unless you count killing a hundred ants as productive.  I hope tomorrow is less eventful, and with fewer ants...

Death in the family...

This morning has brought to my mind a serious question.  If you have conjoined twins and one dies, what happens to the other? 

After three wonderful years together, one of the most beautiful singers, readers and musicians I have ever known passed away.  I called her Righty.  This is of course a nickname for she was a conjoined twin and her sibling, Lefty, is still going strong. 

I met them about three years ago, about a year after DaNae and I got married.  And I've listened to their beautiful voices almost every single day since then.  At work, in the tub, while mowing and even late at night while DaNae was sleeping. They have been there when life was hard and they helped in encouraging me to continue on.  They have been there when life has been great and rejoiced with me.  They helped block out the whining caused by my coworker and officemate.  They sang songs that touched my soul.  They read to me books that I was too lazy to read. 

Righty passed away this morning around 9am central time.  It was sudden and without warning.  Usually there are always signs like static or intermittent blackouts, but not today, not with Righty.  And sadly, the world will go on.  Only Lefty and myself will morn her loss for no one else really knew her like we did.  She was the stereo to Lefty's mono.

Now I'm left with the conundrum of what to do with Righty and Lefty.  Lefty still works good, but without Righty, the world noise can no longer be drowned out.  I thought about just cutting Righty off, but then the whole thing would just look weird.  I guess I could just tape Righty to the main body and wait for a new set of headphones so that Righty doesn't get tangled with Lefty and make matters worse for us all. 

Hopefully my next pair of headphones last me as long and be as kind to me. 


P.S.  There will be no memorial services, but I can set up a memorial fund if people feel like sending cash or checks. You could even use paypal if you want. Just let me know and I can get you the information for where to send the money.  Thanks.