The bug...

...that really isn't a bug.

I wrote yesterday and today.  I had to come up with a fictional movie in my work of fiction.  I named it the Metroplex of Doom.  I kind of wish it were a real movie.

The desert...

...and the itch!

I hate winter.  I actually dig the cooler weather.  I miss the snow here in Kansas, though when it does snow I miss having a dry driveway.  The thing that I hate about winter is the mental miasma I hit every winter.  There is a refreshing newness each spring which at some point begins to thaw my thoughts.  I begin to have hope and ideas renewed.

If I could bottle it I would, but of course if rainbows were just unicorns farting then we would see more single horned horses.

I want to write, yet I waste my time looking for some new toy, playing some stupid game, or mentally strangling some nuisance.  There are lots of ideas streaming through my head at any given moment but fear holds me back.  As I write this I want to delete it because it seems dull and uninteresting but I am thinking I need to post it just to get out of the rut of not writing.

I want to set goals to write and finish some stories, but I suck at goals and then I get distracted and it doesn't happen I feel bad and wished it was physically possible to kick my own butt.  So what do I do? How do I self-motivate when the voice of fear and procrastination scream louder than both my daughters combined?

I'll let you know when I finally figure out a way to scratch that itch....

The whale...

...or was it an elephant?

You ever hear the one where some one asks you, 'how do you eat an elephant?'  You might say, 'I don't know.' Personally, I would say, 'with a fork,' which usually causes the questioner to stumble and the joke gets ruined.  But if you aren't a smart ass, like me, and say 'I don't know,' then the person would say, 'one bite at a time.'

Now I don't know why anyone would want to eat an elephant, unless of course its because you've already finished off the tiger, dolphin, and horse, but the concept is intriguing.  Any large project, even one that might be small but is perceived to be big can use this idea to accomplish the goal.  But seriously, the immensity of it gets me sometimes, well actually it gets me a lot of the time.  Even setting small goals its hard to just start without the perfectionist mindset from setting in and stressing me into not starting.

I started digging holes in the yard tonight for my retaining wall, which I started working on last year.  Maybe by the end of the weekend this elephant will be devoured and I can begin on the next.

I should find something far more appetizing than an elephant for my next entree...

Grumpiest old man...

...you must die!

We've all heard misery loves company.  But company definitely doesn't love misery.  Some days I feel like I'm company and a certain coworker is misery.  The only problem with the whole thing is that I often get dragged down to misery's level and become miserable myself.  I hate it.  Often I start talking to someone and by the time I'm done I wonder if I sounded like a whiny little girl or a grumpy old man. 

I'm pretty sure that I usually sound like an awful chimera of both. 

How does this happen? I drive into work, usually after spending about ten minutes hanging with my wife and daughter in silence as my brain warms up to the fact that it is awake. Then while it finishes its boot up cycle I'm half way to work and the last ten minutes I either focus on the good parts of life or get angry at people who drive 30mph (in the left lane, no less) when the speed limit is 65mph, but that anger fades quickly.  And I get to work with a pretty good attitude regardless.

Then I sit at my desk and eat some yogurt as I plan for my day and check the ol' email.  Then into the lab I head.  Ten minutes later I'm ready to throttle the old guy who doesn't have anything nice to say about anything or anyone.  He seems angry and bitter about everything.  His pay, all politicians, coworkers, construction workers, greeters at walmart, ants marching across his desk, and that guy that use to work with him 20 years ago!  Blegh. 

His attitude is corrosive.  I just stick in my head phones and find something semi-positive to listen to, yet he comes in and waits for me to stop to take my earbuds out to listen to his latest complaint.  Aaarrrgghhhh!!!! 

I had to text my wife today for prayer so that I didn't stab him with my lefthanded scissors that he keeps buying me (I write left-handed, but after a lifetime of dealing with right-handed scissors, I'm a righty in my cutting habits).  I had another coworker that told me he would help me dispose of the body. 

I find myself thinking up devious ways to get back at him.

Then while trying to divert my thoughts from revenge today, I was reminded of a movie.  Grumpy old men (go watch it if you haven't already).  And I realized that is my life.  We aren't competing for the love of a woman. I'm competing for my sanity.  I think up ways to make him suffer (I haven't thrown dead fish into his car yet) and luckily he hasn't retaliated, or realized that I do anything to make his worker life harder, otherwise things would escalate like they do in the movie. 

I actually haven't done a lot, I did pour a few granules of sugar on his desk to draw the ants away from mine, but at the time I was mad because he placed a full open bag on my desk, which really drew them towards my desk.  That doesn't really justify anything, I'm just saying I'm turning into a grumpier old man and soon I'll be worse than him.  I don't want that. 

I want joy and peace in my life.  To do that I need to kill the grumpy old man in me.   Its hard.  It'll take a lot of work.  I'm going to have to humble myself.  I might have to crank up the tunes in my earbuds or go deaf to block out some of the whining (doesn't Jesus say something about shoving pencils through your eardrums because its better to lose one, or two, parts of your body than to have it all thrown into hell?  not a literal translation, but I do think it might work in this situation).  Or I could just take Monday, Wednesday and Fridays off and never have to deal with him.

 The last two might be unrealistic, so I guess I'll have to do some internal work on me. 

Feel free to pray...

Grogginess is catching...

...run fast!

Yeah, I am feeling completely uninspired to do anything.  I've yet to X off a single day since I set the goal last week and I think each day I don't do it adds another day's burden to my shoulders which inspires me to do it less and less out of condemnation and guilt.

It's a horrible downward spiral.  The question does need to be asked as to why I succeeded for so long last year when this year I seem to be having a hard time making it out of the starting gate. Could it be working two jobs while trying to have a relationship with my wife and daughter is too much for my brain to handle and laziness sets in too easy when I'm not having to do any of those things?  Or maybe the lack of confidence I have in my writing scares me toward inaction.

Maybe just having a 15 month old climbing all over me while I'm trying to write is more detrimental to my success than I might have originally guessed...tomorrow is a new day.

Play in the mud...

...or dine on pizza?

Yep, as a kid I don't think it ever crossed my mind that I may have to decide between those two activities rather than just shirking all responsibilities and enjoying both delights.  But alas, I'm a grown up now with responsibilities. 

Its gorgeous out, at least it was the last time I went outside, and with the warm weather and recent precipitation, I'm betting I can easily dig a couple holes in my backyard and try to finish up a project that I started last fall. 

Yet, I have to work tonight. And last week, one of the guys challenged us to get the truck unloaded and shelves stocked by 12:30 and we did.  Now he has to buy us pizza tonight.

So I could go home and work on a project or I could just work and make some dough while eating some cheese and meat covered dough (please note that I'm speaking of two different kinds of dough here). 

See children, life as a grown up isn't all fun and games! Of course if I had planned better I could've gotten out of here earlier, gone home worked in the yard, showered and then been in to eat pizza and unload a truck....sigh...

See children, if you learn plan ahead life can be all fun and games!

***Update***  After venturing outside at lunch I have determined that its getting cold and windy and decided playing in the mud this afternoon wouldn't have been fun after all.  Which makes this entire post somewhat pointless.  Oh well.

Paid Crastinator...

...that's when I'll know I'm a pro!

So yesterday I did one thing to further my goal of setting up goals for the year.  Ha.

I printed out a calender so I can X out the days when I accomplish my goal, but I never really set my goals.  And after much thought I've decided to take it easy and set two goals for daily improvement. 

1) Write one page of fiction or edit three pages of completed stories (I kinda stole this one from the author of the article that I got the idea from, and blogging doesn't count.  But it feels doable and I hopefully won't set myself up for failure.  And if I do write one page a day, I can easily knock out a book or two a year.)

2) Do something constructive at home.  (You might say that if I do number 1 at home then number 2 is done, but I mean something that betters the home, whether spraying weeds, mowing, raking leaves, trimming trees, doing dishes, taking out the trash, doing laundry, etc.  Most days, especially now that I'm working two jobs I get home and veg.  This isn't conducive to having a nice yard for my daughter to play in, or contributing to a clean house, which I prefer.)

There you go.  I think its manageable and it'll help me get closer to where I want to be in the future.  I do need to figure out what I'm going to do on sick days, or holiday and traveling days.  But maybe I should quit procrastinating and just go start writing.